I am the Monster

And that night I wiped out that monster. I had to. Only one of us could be alive. I chose it to be me.

The problem with the laws in this country is that they punish you for crimes and not sins. I would like to let you know that there is a difference between a crime and a sin. A crime in a certain country, under a certain law, for a certain community may not be a crime for some other set of circumstances. But sin is a sin, on an ethical background.

Hence the police were to catch me. I want to be free, and they want to put me in prison. LOL. They don't know me. I will be free anyway. If not my body, for sure my soul will be.

Something Odd

And then we went to the garden in the back yard. I was nervous and I guess so was she. She was acting like I guess she’s Billie Eilish. I don’t know why, but she did. And then I kissed her. And it felt great. But I was terrified that how would she feel, how would she respond. With the whole #meToo movement going on. I felt that what if she accuses me of rape, and that scared me. I was just as scared as excited I was. I kept asking myself questions that were it correct what I did? Did I hurry up to this moment? What if she doesn’t like it? Did I at least kiss well? What if I’m a lousy kisser?

This is not what I would do. My friends used to say that I would never even initiate to talk with a girl. Initiate kissing is too much. I don’t think this of myself but people have accused me of being a creep. One there was this friend who said to me that, “ Hey do you remember the girl whose boobs you were staring yesterday?” To which I had no idea what she was talking about. I straight away rejected, because I couldn’t remember this happening. Honestly, it’s not that men don’t stare at women. But you don’t remember every woman at which you stare. When one of those confronts you, I’m sure you would be like, “Again which one are you?” Obviously, I’m your mind. But I honestly didn’t remember. She replied to that with, “ That girl was me”. Well, that was embarrassing. It was more embarrassing that she said this in front of a bunch of my friends.

Another of my embarrassment was when a girl from my office asked me, “Hey, I’ve heard that you like me! Is that true”. Honestly, I thought of her just as a friend, but her asking me this question raised my expectations. I replied to her with agreeing to the statement and asking her out on a date. Which turned out to be a prank played by my friends and they still tease me of that event.

But this all changed when I moved to across the oceans things will change. As soon as I landed here, I found someone. I had a life long fantasy to have a female friend who won’t judge me for what I am. With whom I can drink and I can smoke and say what’s on my mind and hold my middle finger to the world. One of the things I learned from her was blow-backing a cigar. There happened a moment where she did actually kiss me, but that didn’t feel right. Sometimes it’s better to be friends and things to remain that way.

This was partly because I did like someone else and I couldn’t think of anyone else being in that place. It’s difficult to picture a moment with someone and then sharing the same space with someone other. There is something wrong with it. But the worst part is that not working out. I was late this time. I wanted to give time for this moment to happen, but I waited too much. And this went too far to grab while I just kept looking at it.

But this was different, I don’t know why all this stuff was going through my mind at that moment. Probably because I thought that she would punch me and I would be a failure as always. But as a few milliseconds went, I felt that I’m not as scared as I was initially. Probably because there was no resistance for the other end and it felt good. Then she looked at me like forever. I was shit scared again! Then looking into my eyes she kissed me back and it was all cool!

A Happy Man

I met a man, With a crappy car and a happy life,
He was doing groceries with his children and his wife.

I asked him don’t you get sad for something or mad at someone,
And how is your life is so jovial and fun?

He said at times I feel trash,
When life becomes Hulk and does nothing but smash.

But happiness is not always a platter of sweets,
It is how you handle your defeats!

Stupid Notifications!

It hurts when I look for notifications but there ain’t any. Then I comfort myself saying that the past is long gone. As the Doppler’s effect applies to life as well. Because how close two people are doesn’t depend on proximity between them. You can be sitting beside each other and stills be far from each other. Or the other way round.

I keep myself busy now. I have always liked cooking. But in today’s circumstances not cooking means not eating. Every time I am hungry I  have to cook first to eat. I am now loving cooking. I make different cuisines every day. I bake cupcakes as well now. All the food I miss from my country. I cook now and I cook well. I have realized that what my mom and my grandmother does or for that matter almost all the ladies back in the country is a thankless job. I appreciate it to a greater extent now.

I have developed hobbies like reading. I love it the most. Reading gives my brain new ideas of which I have never thought before, situations which I have never faced before, places where I have never been before. It would influence the poems and stories I write.  That reminds me to say I love writing. 

I mostly write poems about almost any and everything. I like to write stories, which are mostly events or conversations that I never had before. Or perhaps some old conversation where I think I acted stupid and about alternate realities of those.

This summer I have taken a course. I study the course. It’s an online course so I read slides about that and watch some YouTube videos and tutorials about that.

I work as a research assistant with one of the professors at my college. I do that stuff 2-3 hours daily. I think that'll stand up tall on my resume and would make a difference when I’ll get a job if I do get one. 

There’s hardly any time for me after spending all the time in these activities. I try to sleep early and wake early now. I hardly do any all-nighters. Nothing worse than being lonely in the night. All-nighters used to be fun, when voices used to pop through the microphone  But not anymore. I guess I am only a wolf but just by name. Or just a metaphorical one. 

For waking early when I go to set my alarm. I check my phone. There are still no notifications. Okay, I’m lying there ARE notifications. But I care more about the message that didn’t come, the notification that didn’t pop up. So much more than the notifications that did.

काश

काश के वो मुझे कभी मिले ही ना,

पर उसके ख़्वाब उसके ख़याल हमेशा रहें।

वो मेरे पास कभी हो ही ना,

और मैं अपनी ज़िंदगी उसकी ख़्वाहिश मैं गुज़ार दूँ।

मैं उसके दर पर भटकता रहूँ,

पर वो दरवाज़ा मेरे लिए कभी खुले ही ना।

क्यूँकि जो मज़ा माशूक़ के रुसवा होने मैं है,

वो उसे हासिल करने मैं कहाँ?

मैं इस बात से ख़ुश राहु के वो मोहब्बत-ए-ज़िंदगी थी,

कोई जलवा-ए-जुनून तो नहीं ।

फिर सालों बाद हादसे से वो मुझे मिले,

और उस हादसे से वो मुझे मिलें।

फिर मेरे ख़्वाब उसकी हक़ीक़त बन जाएँ,

और मेर हक़ीक़त उसके ख़्वाब बन जाएँ।