Something Odd

And then we went to the garden in the back yard. I was nervous and I guess so was she. She was acting like I guess she’s Billie Eilish. I don’t know why, but she did. And then I kissed her. And it felt great. But I was terrified that how would she feel, how would she respond. With the whole #meToo movement going on. I felt that what if she accuses me of rape, and that scared me. I was just as scared as excited I was. I kept asking myself questions that were it correct what I did? Did I hurry up to this moment? What if she doesn’t like it? Did I at least kiss well? What if I’m a lousy kisser?

This is not what I would do. My friends used to say that I would never even initiate to talk with a girl. Initiate kissing is too much. I don’t think this of myself but people have accused me of being a creep. One there was this friend who said to me that, “ Hey do you remember the girl whose boobs you were staring yesterday?” To which I had no idea what she was talking about. I straight away rejected, because I couldn’t remember this happening. Honestly, it’s not that men don’t stare at women. But you don’t remember every woman at which you stare. When one of those confronts you, I’m sure you would be like, “Again which one are you?” Obviously, I’m your mind. But I honestly didn’t remember. She replied to that with, “ That girl was me”. Well, that was embarrassing. It was more embarrassing that she said this in front of a bunch of my friends.

Another of my embarrassment was when a girl from my office asked me, “Hey, I’ve heard that you like me! Is that true”. Honestly, I thought of her just as a friend, but her asking me this question raised my expectations. I replied to her with agreeing to the statement and asking her out on a date. Which turned out to be a prank played by my friends and they still tease me of that event.

But this all changed when I moved to across the oceans things will change. As soon as I landed here, I found someone. I had a life long fantasy to have a female friend who won’t judge me for what I am. With whom I can drink and I can smoke and say what’s on my mind and hold my middle finger to the world. One of the things I learned from her was blow-backing a cigar. There happened a moment where she did actually kiss me, but that didn’t feel right. Sometimes it’s better to be friends and things to remain that way.

This was partly because I did like someone else and I couldn’t think of anyone else being in that place. It’s difficult to picture a moment with someone and then sharing the same space with someone other. There is something wrong with it. But the worst part is that not working out. I was late this time. I wanted to give time for this moment to happen, but I waited too much. And this went too far to grab while I just kept looking at it.

But this was different, I don’t know why all this stuff was going through my mind at that moment. Probably because I thought that she would punch me and I would be a failure as always. But as a few milliseconds went, I felt that I’m not as scared as I was initially. Probably because there was no resistance for the other end and it felt good. Then she looked at me like forever. I was shit scared again! Then looking into my eyes she kissed me back and it was all cool!